Poems

A CORNER IN HEAVEN

June 2014

If there’s no shame in heaven and no pain there

Will I fit in with others and will it seem fair”

If I cause my own death to get in with God

Will he smile when he sees me, will He give me a nod

Will others in heaven know of my past

Will they know that I finally gave up at last

That I couldn’t keep gong through all the pain

That my meds and therapies were in vain

For I know that God loves me and deep is His care

And I know He’ll accept me in heaven there

Despite my failing in this life to grasp

The help he has given for me to clasp

So when life is ended by my hand alone

When I breath my last earthly groan

I know He’ll accept me into His place

But I wonder about the look on his face

Will there be a touch of sadness there

As my life is laid out, open and bare

And I wish my weakness had not overcome me

That I’d just been strong, courageous and free

I wanted to please Him I really did

but the emotional angst I could not be rid

and the pain overwhelmed me and finally won

and what I promised I wouldn’t, I’ve eventually done

I’m sorry God that my life was not more

Cos I wanted to give love and help the poor

But I just made it through as far as I did

Til of sorrow and pain I was finally rid

I know ill get to heaven even this way

And I hope there’s a corner for me just to lay

To be in peace, with no tears or pain

To rest in his presence and feel love again

Grappling with bipolar

by Julie Hadcroft (used with permission)

The mundane nature of life
Disassociation
With me - and you.
Nothing is sweet.
Everything is dark; a tangible cloud,
Ready, heavy
And everything I know is in the hands of a juggler.
And then, you find yourself marvelling again
Sunrise, green, community, family,
Friends - oh the friends anchor me in these treacherous seas.
And you hear again, and it's sweet.
There's a vibrance in the air, and I'm breathing it in.
Balance, order, strength,
Knowing - while it lasts,
Peace, reflection,
Time - blessed time.
I'm like a rabbit in Spring:
Got to get things done - the simple things;
The moment - always the moment.
And the process; the process of everything
Is beautiful and miraculous.


Depression 2
by Ruth C Hall

Tired of feeling sad

tired of feeling blue

Is it because im lazy

or is it the ‘depression’

I want to have a life

I want to be employed

What more can I do?

I try to do what they tell me

But it doesn’t help

I feel its my fault

but I don’t know how to change it

This is not me

This is not who I am

And so my life goes on

Day in day out

I know that god is with me

But its just hard

I look at other people and wonder…

How do they live their lives

How do they manage work,

How do they stay happy?

If I had a more physical problem

 people would understand

I wouldn’t be judged

But this is it, this is me

Because

by Julie Hadcroft (used with permission)

You felt observed

you feel carefree

a really thick fatigue engulfed you

you have boundless energy and ideas to burn

where you dwelt was dark and polluted

everything is fresh and clean

thinking was too hard and tiring

now thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking

you were without inspiration

you world has boundless possibilities

you were bored

now you are neurotic

Depression 1

by Ruth C Hall

I don’t know what's the point anymore 

When I was a mum I knew the score 

Look after the house, raise the kids 

Study hard and bring in some quids 

But now the kids have gone their ways 

And I gaze into my future days 

What is there of life left for me 

i cant imagine or even want to see 

They say I have depression bad 

That should explain why I feel sad 

Well it may do that but so what 

but it really doesn’t help a lot 

I know I've had love in my life 

Ive been a mother and a wife 

and I've hurt some that have loved me too 

it wasn’t what I had wanted to do 

But I'm left now, with only me 

and there is no point that I can see 

to staying around and bearing this pain 

wondering if im slowly going insane 

How long must I endure my life this way 

pills and potions will help they say 

but ive had enough, ive done my toil 

I'm just not made for this mortal coil 

If anyone reads this, don't you care 

I wont do anything bad out there 

Cant hurt my kids, cant hurt my friends

Am in this life 'til it naturally ends 

Don't know how ill see it through 

but know its what i have to do 

So just get on and live your life 

and leave me to sort out my strife

This sadness

by Ruth C Hall

The sadness comes and sits on my shoulder

Makes me feel a hundred years older

It settles on me,  a thick heavy weight

Like a long lost brother, a forgotten mate

I resist in my mind, don’t want it here

But my strength is weak, and its too much I fear

now its here, its on me weighing me down

Like a thick heavy cloak, a black heavy gown