Coming up from depression

  
It seems that we often hear about how it feels to go down into a depression, but you don’t often read about the feeling of coming out.

Yesterday I had a ‘moment’. It was beautiful, unexpected, and quite exquisite. It was like suddenly I could see a future and I felt a small tug of …was it joy? Well, maybe not quite joy and it only lasted a few minutes. But wow it was amazing. You see, with my depression I seem to be up and down quite a bit, not the up as in mania, or even micro-mania, just, well I reach almost ‘normal’ for a while then I go back down.

Unfortunately that 'up' feeling is not with me today, but I can remember how it felt. What was it like? It was like I’m  swimming underwater, its very murky and I’m not able to see very far around me. I’m not really sure where I’m going or what’s in front of me, I’m just swimming. Suddenly I burst up through the surface and I’m able to look around and I can see for kilometres, and everything’s really clear and fresh. Another comparison: it was like I was floating under a glass ceiling, able to see others living their lives free of the ceiling , but knowing that I was trapped under the glass. When suddenly the glass shattered and I was free…I could see all around me. I could see into the future. My future. Wow…I had a future! I felt light and I felt energy. I felt excitement about all the things I could potentially do. The heavy lump in my stomach that I woke up with was not there. I felt…what was that I felt? …energy…motivation….It lasted for about 5 minutes and then dissipated. So I guess it was nice while it lasted.

Something weird about feeling better is that when I’m depressed my mind tells me that I’m probably just putting it all on, faking it, and that I’m just lazy and just a negative person and that it was all ‘just in my mind’ (der silly me of course it is!!). So when I felt that breakthrough yesterday, it struck me that the depression is real – I’m not just being lazy and negative - and also, amazingly, that life without depression is out there.

Sometimes when I have times of feeling better I won’t tell too many people because I find that often people around me expect it to last and seem quite disappointed in me when I say I’m not feeling good again. But that’s just the nature of some people’s depression – to yoyo.  So, if you have a loved one with depression who says they’re feeling better, please be patient with them if they go down again, and be prepared that their path to recovery or remission may involve some ups and downs.

Today I don’t feel what I felt yesterday, and in fact its hard to hold on to that picture from yesterday, but I hold on to God and know that my times are in his hands. I just thank God that He gave me that glimpse; it was beautiful.