Soooo, if you are
following this blog regularly you’ll have been looking forward to my next post on
the series ‘Testosterone fuelled depression’, on men and depression. But
alas…this is not it! Its coming and will be out soon, but I really felt to
write this one now….
As you know I’m
writing a book on depression and I’ve started this blog on the same topic. I know
its something God wants me to do. And the reason I qualify to do this (apart
from God telling me) is that I have suffered depression from mild to severe
most of my life, I’m good at research and I have a passion to encourage and
educate people. So putting those facts together you’d think it would be a
breeze to write and to get the blog done weekly. And it would be, except for
one thing…. I STILL have the depression!
I have wondered
whether this actually renders me unqualified to do the blog and write the book.
You know how sometimes, you have really believed that God’s told you to do
something, but then life gets in the way? I had been questioning what right do
I have to be trying to help and to educate others when I still grapple with the
problem myself. But then I thought, I wouldn’t feel that way if I was writing a
book about say diabetes. It would be ok for me to have the illness and to write
about it. Why is it different with depression? I guess I still have issues with
the stigma of mental illness to work through. So I have decided to write this
post and just be honest with what its like to be me living with depression.
My depression is
usually contained to a ‘mild’ state with the help of some medication and
personal strategies. But lately – the last few weeks – its been getting bad again...creeping back up to
‘moderate depression’. My psychiatrist has given me a rating scale to tell how
bad my depression is - between 1 to 10, with 1 being the very worst and 10
extremely happy…7 to 8 is ‘normal’. I usually run at about a 6, never quite
reaching the elusive normal, but that’s ok – I’ve learnt to be ok with that. Recently though, I’ve dropped to about a 4 and a half. It makes it hard for me to
write. But I’m not giving up on the book or blog. It may just take longer and
the posts may not come out as regularly as I’d like.
Its so hard when you
feel the sadness and the thorough wretchedness inside, to push yourself. You do
though. You push and push, and you get so tired from pushing. And people
usually don’t know how hard it is. I recently helped at a fundraiser which many
of my family also attended. I was able to smile and make friendly banter with
people. But on the inside I was feeling so sad and it was so hard. One of my
family members asked how I was and I actually replied with honesty and told her
that I wasn’t doing very well. But I don’t think she took much notice as all
she saw was the front that I was able to put on for a few hours, and she thought
that represented how I actually was. (And people wonder why we are not always honest
when they ask how you are!) But I remind myself that Jesus knew how it felt to
be judged wrongly, to have people think things of you that just aren’t accurate
and to be misunderstood when your heart just wants to do good. And He knew as I
do that they just don’t understand.
As you can tell from
this post I don’t put myself up there as someone who has found the answer to
conquering depression (Oh I wish I could), I still struggle. But I am going to
keep going. I will keep going day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I
want so much to give up. I want to just lie in bed and go to sleep. But while I
will give myself more R&R than usual, I will not give in to the negative
desires.
There are people who
don’t understand this, especially Christians. How could a Christian feel like
this so much that they even want to die? Well it begins bit by bit. You start
to find life so hard that you just feel you can’t manage. You know that heaven
awaits you. You just want to be there. You also feel that you are such a burden
on your loved ones. You are in a
place where nothing makes you feel good, you don’t enjoy anything anymore, you
know your mind is tuned into negative thoughts, you know you affect those
around you in a negative way. And if you are a person whose fulfilment is found
in helping others you feel such a failure as you’re no longer able to give as
you want to, and you are so aware that you are a drain on others. In addition
depression makes your thinking skewed in that you are not thinking logically. So you can’t reason your way out of thinking these thoughts as you may do when
not in a depressed state. You know God loves you. You even know that He loves
you in your depressed state, but its like you don’t have the control over your
thoughts that you used to. At first you are able to fight it and to put
anything negative aside. You fight and fight to not listen to the those
thoughts. You listen to worship music, You try to talk to God, you make
yourself read the Bible. But as the depression deepens you just don’t have
those reserves to fight anymore. And eventually the negative thoughts invade
your mind. So you try to just not think anything. And as this is happening you
are so aware that you are failing…again.
So how is this helpful
for me to write about in a post on my blog? How will it help others? Well I
guess I want you to see that life can be lived with depression. It is temporary
and in the past I have always improved. So I will improve this time too. I
still am able to give to others…maybe not much at times but this will improve
too. I am making a conscious decision to be aware that God is with me. He knows
how bad I feel. He walks alongside of me in this valley. He doesn’t judge me
and He knows how hard I try, and He also forgives me when I just don’t try at
all. I believe He wants me to write about depression, so if that is His wish
then He will make me able to do it, even if its bit by bit and takes longer
than someone else would.
And if I do go down
further, God is still with me. I feel such a failure and as though I could have
lived my life so much better, but you know what…that may be true, but God loves
me. He loves me for me, not what I’ve done or not done. In fact He doesn’t even
see my failures and faults because He sees me through Jesus. Amazing. That’s
why Jesus died, so that when God looks at me He sees Jesus’ righteousness, not
my sin and filth. He doesn’t see my depression either. He sees the perfect
me…wow. And what really matters is how God sees me, not how other people see me
or how they judge me wrongly. It doesn’t matter. Jesus is all that matters.
Well what a conundrum
life is. I believe the above paragraph totally and yet I feel so sad and
negative inside! Hard to understand how that could be, but it is. But faith is
not feelings, even though feelings are real and we have to live with them, (and
when depressed they are a mighty force), but I choose faith. Yes I feel the
feelings strongly and I also have other physical and mental symptoms of
depression, (fatigue, low motivation, anxiety, sleep problems, concentration
issues etc etc). But my faith exists and is above all else.
I hope that this
hasn’t come across as just a rant from someone feeling sorry for herself (yes I
also struggle with self pity at times too), what I’ve wanted to do is to help
others who feel like I do to not feel they are alone, and also to help those
who don’t really ‘get’ depression to have more of an insight into what its
like.
What is the answer? I don’t have any
miraculous answers…just one response….keep focussed on Jesus. Its hard to do I know, but
keep trying, keep pulling yourself towards Him as much as you can. Make a decision (not based on feelings)
to put on worship music, read the Bible, anything that would normally bring you
closer to Him. It may not feel like its actually helping, but it is. Its
ministering to your spirit when your soul is in such pain. And its telling
Satan that even while depression is affecting your life, you choose God….And
when you do it, think of me and many others doing the same.
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